Portmantle

Evil perspectives echo through my head

Of so-called candor cloaking comparison and hatred

Calculated laughter, condescension as the intent

Credit intimacy and comfort as excuses to treat me like I’m less

//

I don’t usually believe in public displays of affection or emotion

Breakdowns are reserved for moments of desperate isolation

I’m trying so hard to fix what went wrong, but it feels like forced vulnerability

To people who ask me what I think, then they laugh as they dismiss me

//

People used to call me an optimist, but now I assume the worst

How could I not when the ones who say they love me act like it’s a curse

Is it so bad that I give all my love, my time and attention

When they ask for space, I give it to them with no tension

//

How convenient that she’s got an awful memory

Selectively forgetting all the times she’s been rude to me

So now we’ll never get to work it out, and I’ll never get closure

And now every birthday, I live it over and over

//

The phrase has never in two years left my agonizing mind

“I feel like I’m just fulfilling friendship quotas of quality time”

So she admits that she only loves me out of obligation

And a day of space has turned into a permanent vacation

//

I remember late one night just begging him to try

He said “why would I do that when I’ve already got you by my side?”

So he gave less and less, and I just cut him some slack

He said he loved me, then he left me, then three years later begged me to take him back

//

Infinite gratitude, but its born of guilt for my existence

Like obligatory kindness is the key to coexistence

I have to accept the worst behavior and be selfless in exchange for favors I never asked for

Then they hold it over my head and treat loving me like its a chore

//

I got so caught up in their perspectives and intentions

My own point of view forgets to get mentioned

I make excuses for them that I would never make for myself

And they portray themselves as protagonists in stories to everyone else

//

And whenever I’m in a dark place, I relive the moments again and again

And every time I do, I feel the memories getting less intense

The unwavering care that I once had starts to fade into apathy

Because one-sided genuine affection met with cold obligation is a recipe for insanity

//

So what now should I do when tunnel vision makes it so hurt is all I see?

And I start to get distrustful that the good people in my life are also out to get me

They say good things about me behind my back and to my face

But I worry that one wrong move on my part will make them see me with distaste

//

I used to hate distrust and pessimists, and now I feel like such a hypocrite

The self loathing when you become someone you hate, when you once never would’ve considered it

I can’t keep going on like this, I think it’s time to make a change and a truce

I need to figure out how to forgive without it just being another excuse

//

I need to get their cold words out of the front of my mind

Because its like I gave them so much power that their thoughts now drown out mine

So how do I find my own opinions again?

I want to do things on purpose, instead of obligation.