Portmantle

14 August 2024. Day 3/75

Here are the updates:

1. Get out of bed within 10 minutes of waking up OR don’t go on my phone within 10 minutes of waking up (except for stopping alarm clocks and checking the time) OR get up before 7:30am (can stay in bed longer if you wake up earlier) **BONUS POINTS: turn on vitamin d sun lamp for those 10 minutes
2. Eat at least 5 fruits/vegetables/plants
   • banana
   • green beans
   • tangerine
   • squash
   • okra
   • plum
3. Walk at least 1 mile
   • 1 miles on the treadmill!
4. Read 5 pages of any book. 5 minutes of an audiobook counts.
5. Spend at least 10 minutes on a creative hobby
   • writing
6. Clean one space
   • folded clothes
7. List of 10 gratitudes, manifestations, or goals
8. Do one thing the moment you think about it without procrastinating
   • cooked for breakfast
9. Apply to 3 jobs OR send out 3 emails for any purpose

Sidequest Updates:

1. Go to one new place I’ve never been to before OR do one new thing I’ve never tried before
2. Write a to-do list for the week every Sunday
3. Get Google Ads Display Certification
4. Get Google Ads Search Certification
5. Start studying for GMAT
6. Go to one Toastmasters meeting

Journal prompt: So I saw this TikTok that basically said that everything about your current life is tied to your identity and the way you perceive yourself and the way it manifests into reality. So today, I’m just going to be thinking about the ways I think about myself and the ways its been helping and harming me in my life.

I think that for a while back there, a HUGE part of my identity was tied to having ADHD and also that I dislocated my knee. It made me see myself as helpless and as a victim and as someone who things just happened to, instead of as someone who can bounce back from the things that happened, or someone who can make things happen. Recently, I’ve been trying really hard to make this mindset shift. Because I’ve seen the way that these things have been holding me back, and I just really have no desire to let them have that power over me anymore. There was a period of time where it was affecting me, but it’s healed since then. It shouldn’t be able to affect the present day when its something so far into the past.

For a while back there, another part of my identity was “this is hard and I’m sad, but I’m trying.” And while I think there was some good in that, I think it ultimately led me to focus on the things that were hard. It’s like I was stuck in a state of perpetual trying and never actually getting anywhere. I romanticized my sadness and trauma and struggle and it made me stay stuck in that struggle. I was trying so hard in misguided ways. I was listening to music of people who were in the struggle. There’s a difference. I was listening to “this is me trying” and “mirrorball” by Taylor Swift. They’re both amazing songs with messages that resonated so deeply with me at the time, but my mindset wasn’t really interpreting the songs in the way that I think I should’ve. I think there’s a certain point where the good needs to become normalized before it becomes a part of your personality. And I think it was preventing me from normalizing the good. She says “pulled my car off the road to the lookout, could’ve followed my fears all the way down.” And in my head, every single time I did something right, it felt like the first time I was doing something right. I felt like I was having the hard time adjusting, the shiniest wheels, now they’re rusting. And I guess I think that mindset was good for a time, but then there has to be the time that comes after that. When you no longer think about pulling your car off the road to the lookout. Where it becomes normal for you to not have those fears. Where you’re not thinking of yourself as someone who’s trying, but someone who’s doing. I’m not sure if I’m making sense haha. I know that people always say is about the journey, not the destination, and I agree with that and I think I embody that, but also there comes a certain point where you actually do need to reach the destination. And then embark on a new journey. You need to keep the cycle alive and repeating, instead of prolonged.

~to be continued tomorrow~